I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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