Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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