does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
