A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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