nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
