I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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