i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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