If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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