Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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