i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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