I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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