he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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