how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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