Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
