Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
