You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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