Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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