the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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