So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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