well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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