things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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