I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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