I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
