I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dear god my vagina.
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