just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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