I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sobbing to NWA
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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