so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
