Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Someone came in the potted fern
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
