Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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