you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
