So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
