I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
