i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
