Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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