There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
