take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
