Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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