I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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