goodnight i made you a song goodbye
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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