Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
