at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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