We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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