I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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