can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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