the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
