During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
