She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
