Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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