i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
