I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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