How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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