Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
