not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
