I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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